Dear Diary of Doom and Dread,
by Draco Cake
Summary: The diary the most feared Dark Wizard of recent times. It's exactly what it sounds like. Pure crack.
1. Dear Diary of Doom and Dread

Dear Diary of Doom and Dread,

When I woke up this morning, I noticed that Nagini was nowhere to be found, so I got out of bed, put on my midnight blue bedroom slippers and shuffle out to go search for her. On my way out I noticed that a bit of paint was peeling from my bedroom door, so I went back into my sunflower bright room and opened my desk drawer. I took out my To-Do list and wrote: 'repaint bedroom door' on it right beneath 'crucio Avery for failing to tail Aurors and chasing pretty witches instead'.

The list I stuck on my newly repaired mirror (which instantly cracked with a whimper once it reflected my image) where I couldn't miss it even if I forgot my contact lenses. Speaking of which, I cannot believe I suffer the same problem as my nemesis, the Brat Who Lives Despite my Attempts to Murder Him, to my secret humiliation. I have terrible vision, but it's not as if I'm about to buy _glasses._

I'd be the laughing stock of the Wizarding World and forever known as the Dark Lord Who Wore Glasses. Besides, glasses are for the underprivileged and unfortunate sods who do not possess my charisma and genius. Hence, the contact lenses, which I Summoned from some hapless Muggle in Little Hangleton that I then killed and fed to Nagini.

I then made my bed with a swipe of my wand (the black-bear-fur-cover straightened itself out perfectly, I'm an old hat at housekeeping charms). By then, I had a Death Eater meeting to attend to that I'd be very late for if I didn't hurry. I cannot stand those meetings; they're as boring as Dumbledore. I dashed into the toilet to throw on my most impressive black robes (they're charmed to exude menace), and took another look around for Nagini.

It's a rather annoying fact that one cannot yell in Parseltongue. Trying to do so would only result in strained vocal chords. So I hissed about like the Hogwarts Express throughout my lair, feeling like a first rate fool until I found her. She was eating marshmallows in the kitchen cupboard. It took a capital amount of coaxing and a most undesirable amount of threatening to turn her into a pair of snake skin boots to get her out, and then we glided together to the meeting room.

It was horribly boring. I nearly nodded off. I hate meetings, because I always end up killing off at least one of my followers, which is absolutely infuriating. Do not even get me started on my scheme to possess the Elder Wand. Between you and I, I only want the Wand so that I can practise my sky graffiti when the opportunity presents itself. I tell you _Morsmordre_was a work of art. Sky graffiti is terrifically fun, and almost makes me feel like I have a soul again. Sadly, I can't express my joy because I must remain angsty and dramatic at all times.

Speaking of which, it's rather annoying to be referred to as the 'Dark Lord'. I don't like hand-me-down titles. I mean, everyone knows that was Sauron's title from Lord of the Rings. (Best movie ever!) I quit like Voldemort though. It means Theft of Death in French. No one can get scarier than that. Though, it is rather obscure. How exactly does one go about stealing death? What does it look like? A hooded figure with an overlarge sceptre? A decrepit old man? A winged shadow?

And how would I steal it? Put it in a bag? A box?

And who would I steal it from? Who owns death? Not I, yet in any case.

But I digress. When the meeting was finally older and Nagini was digesting the latest Death Eater who'd defied my wishes, I resisted the urge to sing out of pure relief. Instead, I levitated a dozing Nagini to my shoulders and sauntered to my rooms, pretending I was a zookeeper in a Reptile Museum.

Once in my private quarters, I changed into my silken tracksuit and trainers, did some yoga to remove stiffness, and reflected. It is rather strange how everyone becomes absolutely terrified the slower and more hissy my voice is. They believe I do it on purpose but I merely happen to be trying to come up with something else to say.

After yoga, I had a nice lunch of celery boats and cream cheese and an energy shake. Then I had a jog. (I need to watch my figure!) Nagini came with me, only she slithered, because she has no legs, being a snake.

After this, I settled in for some Celestina Warbeck on the Wizarding Wireless, and I crooned along. Before I decided to become a Dark Lord, I toyed with the idea of becoming a singer. I do have the most entrancing voice. Nagini settled on my lap, and that was the end of my day. Until next time….


	2. Lord Mortdemort

_**A/N:** Well, we're back with another of dear old Voldy's diary entries. I really hoped you liked the last one. If you have any suggestions for future entries please don't hesitate to give me__ a shout! After all, my imagination can only go so far and as I'm planning to keep the story up until our fave Dark Lord's tragic murder,_ _I'm bound to run out of ideas sometime! Don't worry, if I use any of your ideas I'll mention your helpful involvement.__ Oh and please for the love of your dearest villain (the lord Voldemort), REVIEW! Thank you!_

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><p>Dear diary of doom and dismay,<p>

Today was a very busy day! After a nice breakfast of toast topped with Nutella and marshmallow fluff, I went to another one of those annoying Death Eater meetings. This time I had to kill Charity Burbage! That was awful. I also had to steal Lucius Malfoy's wand. The fact that The-Despicable-Boy-Whose-Initials-Are-HP and I share the same wand cores is unfair! It's so dang unfair, in fact, I could just SCREAM! Ollivander TOTALLY did that on purpose.

Now, let me describe you Lucius Malfoy's wand. It's elm. I know cuz I sniffed it and plus Lucius said so. And with a core of dragon heartstring, which is sad, really. I looked at the wand and nearly burst into tears when Lucius told me the heartstring part. Poor dead dragon.

Sniff.

BAWL.

Sorry, just had a little cry there. Ah! Phew! Good to get that outta my system. Anyway, Lucius's wand had this incredibly dorky and totally nerdy snake-shaped handle. With emerald eyes! Like, gosh, doesn't he KNOW that snake handles with emerald eyes are so YESTERDAY? Unicorn heads with ruby eyes, now! So much more hip. So I broke off the snake in front of him; he jumped as if I'd broken off his hand. I kinda felt bad for him, actually. Oh, well. At least he learned a valuable lesson in fashion. One must keep ahead of the times, you know!

Tomorrow we're gonna catch that stupid Boy-Who-Lived! I get to use Lucius's wand. I'm totally psyched. It'll be so cool…getting to fly through the air, using someone else's wand, and catching that annoying Chosen One! Maybe I'll even get to see where he lives! For lunch I had a sardine sandwich with red onions, radishes and parsnips and strawberry milk to drink with it. It was soooooooooooooooooo good! Yummie.

After lunch I had a nap, and Nagini had to spit in my ear at dinnertime. I didn't know what the spit was and I was in the middle of a really great dream involving pink hippos, so I screamed "Help! Murder! Treason!" in Spanish. Nagini rolled her eyes and told me how happy and not sorry she was that she did that. I pouted and demanded she apologize. She hissed, "I'll show you APOLOGIZE!" and slithered off to the kitchen.

I heard terrific banging noises, but decided not to go in, so as to deprive her of satisfaction. Then I heard a HUGE bang, a tearing noise, and suddenly all was silent. I tore into the kitchen and oh! Tragedy! Oh, catastrophe! Oh, calamity! Oh, cataclysm! Oh, travesty! NAGINI HAD EATEN ALL MY PRECIOUS BOGEY JELLYBEANS!

I yelled and picked up the jujubes, so I could toss them out the window, but Nagini snatched them and said that if I continued to act like that she'd eat all the bogey jellybeans in the world so I couldn't buy any more. I burst into tears, lay down on the floor of the kitchen and yelled, screamed, pouted, kicked my legs and waved my arms in a tantrum. Nagini calmly ripped open the bag of jujubes and proceeded to eat them all without even blinking an eye in my direction.

I was MIFFED!

Determined to show her my degree of sulkiness, I grabbed a jug of pink lemonade off the counter and moved to spill it all over her. Sadly, I was stopped because I slipped on a broken jar of marmalade and fell face-first into a bowl of honeyed rice pudding. To crown it all, I had flailed my arms wildly to keep my balance (not that it did any good) so the lemonade jug flew out of my hands upwards, shattered on the ceiling, and the lemonade rained down on me. Nagini placidly chewed jujubes throughout all this, as if I didn't exist. I was enraged. Such blatant disrespect would not be tolerated by the great Lord Voldemort..

Anyway, face dripping with sticky rice pudding rolling down in globs I reached for the fellytone. I was SO gonna tell the please-men on her! They could come with their firelegs and KILL her! But before I could dial a number, Nagini stuck the cord into her mouth and bit down HARD! The fellytone line was severed. I stared at it for a moment, then let out a cobweb-tearing, dust-shaking, timber-shivering, record-breaking scream of pure frustration and sulkiness. Then I threw down the broken fellytone and stomped all the way to my room to sulk some more.

When there, I poked my secret button (located in my underwear drawer) and my personal private sulking compartment opened up. My sulking compartment is a secret compartment hidden in my room dedicated solely to sulking. I go in there when things just aren't going my way. Even Nagini is ignorant of its existence. So I sat there to sulk the world down and contemplate the total unfairness of the double-core thingy, (I learned the art of meditation from this Japanese dude who said I wasn't doing it right) when, all of the sudden, light!

There was this really hissy and annoying laughter as Nagini poked her head in. I was SCANDALIZED! Nagini, a lowly snake, had dared to find out the location of the great lord VOLDEMORT'S personal private sulking zone! NOT FAIR! I yelled and kicked some more. When I calmed down, I tried to explain why she shouldn't be allowed to infiltrate the great lord Voldemort's sulking cabinet. She was just a snake, I explained, and I was a Dark Lord, and-but she interrupted saying that she was a Horcrux and I was just a plain old thief.

I! Thief! I was scandalized once more. A dark lord should not be scandalized more than once a week. It's very bad for the health, and prompts headaches and muscle cramps which brings about tiresome things like Advil and Tylenol. And I HATE medication. A dark lord shouldn't have to resort to such petty baubles as medication. They're WAY beneath me.

Anyway, Nagini explained that while she was a beautiful, graceful snake with a king-cobra father and a rattlesnake mother (and she just happened to be a highly important and crucial Horcrux to boot) I was just a common thief-a thief of death, and, plus, didn't I swipe those contact lenses from the store across the street? I sputtered and stammered, trying to search through all the dictionary words I'd memorized to a stunning comeback, but my brain channels were clogged (probably those fries I had the other day) and all I could manage was, "No…no! I'm NOT a thief! And you're…you're stupid!"

Nagini hissed annoyingly. I think it was supposed to be laughter. Didn't check, though. Anyway, Nagini asked me to prove it. I spluttered and stuttered out, "Because…because…because I SAID SO! So there!" and stalked loftily out of the room. Or, tried to, anyway, but I tripped over my stuffed purple monkey in mid-stride. Down I slipped and fell with a tumultuous crash into a sitting position. You can imagine my humiliation! Me, the great Thief of Death! Slipped on my purple stuffie into a most un-lord-like sitting position! Oh the indigence! The shame! The complete and utter humiliation! I can tell you, I nearly died!

Nagini was laughing again. I got up with as much of my tattered dignity as possible, and, resisting the urge to tie Nagini's "beautiful and graceful" body into a knot and leave it there, I left the room.

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><p><em><strong>AN:** Well? Love it? Hate it? Should I stop or keep a__t it? Suggestions? REVIEW__!_


	3. Game On, Potter

SACRILEGE! BLASPHEMY! OUTRAGE! CATASTROPE! INJUSTICE!

HARRY POTTER HAS DARED DEFY THE DARK LORD!

SOMEONE'S GONNA **DIE!**

I hate life.

See, we were GOING TO surround the house (it was quite an unremarkable muggle hovel, actually. I was disappointed. I expected the great Chosen One to live in a, you know, huge mansion with, like, a high iron fence, and, like, a huge moat with, I don't know, at least a shark or two, and maybe one of those cool escape pods and pop-out machine guns like Vector's got in Despicable Me. But NO!)

And then, when he unsuspectingly popped out for his evening promenade (I've heard that's what celebs do, and I figure he qualifies as one) we would grab him, make our getaway, et voilà! But no, the immature puffzo had to make things hard all around. I thought it would be fair play but once again, I was disappointed.

He CHEATED! He used polyjuice potion to make not one, not two, but SEVEN Harry Potters so that I would get confused! Heck, I woulda even been okay if he'd made fifty! I wouldn't have been OVERLY thrilled, but ANY number would have been better than seven, because seven is the magic number, and ANY schemes that involve the number seven are BOUND to work.

That's why I have this sneaking suspicion that my Horcruxes aren't going to work. Because now my soul is in eight pieces, not seven. And eight is NOT a very significant number.

Anyway, back to the story. So when the Harrys finally came out, we went after the one with Mad-Eye Moody. We figured he'd be with the best Aurors, since he's such a bloody coward who crouches and snivels behind the skirts of greater men and woman, allowing me to kill them, a job which puts me in hysterics later in the privacy of my room. But it turns out that it wasn't him, because that Harry Potter wannabe dissaparated the moment he saw me.

And that wasn't Potter cuz I know FOR A FACT that potter can't Apparate yet, and, anyway, even if he had been Apparating illegally (which would be SO TOTALLY typical of him) I woulda known, me having, er, good connections in the Ministry. Er…tee hee! You know what I mean!

So yeah, when I figured out that wasn't Potter, I got so mad I Stunned Moody on the spot. I wasn't thinking clearly, and forgot that we were , like, fifty million feet above the ground. I forgot that if he fell he'd hit the ground and die as easily as if I'd Avada Kedavra'd him on the spot. Jeez, I hope he's okay! Maybe he woke up before he hit the ground, and did the Arresto Momentum charm before he could shatter into a million tiny pieces. I really hope he's all right!

So anyways, I sat there cursing like a drunken sailor at my luck, when suddenly, Potter's owl appeared in front of the one in the really tacky, old-fashioned blue motorbike. Heh! If I owned that motorbike, I'd be sure to paint it an awesome colour, not that pathetically uncool shade of blue that it was. But then again, motorbikes are for jocks and freaks, not cool Dark Lords like me.

Sauron didn't have one, did he? You didn't see Saruman riding around on a tacky blue motorbike with a stupid sidecar hanging off the side, did you? And the Orc chief wasn't seen anywhere near one either. I must say, for the guy the wizarding world makes such a huge fuss over, this dude does not have a very good sense of style.

I keep straying off the subject! What's with me today? Must be the miserable weather we're having lately. I'm very sensitive, you see. So anyway, I went after Potter myself, to have a go at him. But what did he do? HE CHEATED! AGAIN! He sent this golden fire I've never seen before out of his wand. It hit Lucius's wand AND BROKE IT! Great! Just great! Exactly WHAT am I going to tell Lucius? I meant to give it back unharmed. Really, I did!

So I yelled at Selwyn to give me his wand (I would've asked nicely but there was no time) but before he could, Potter disappeared! I thought he'd pulled on his Invisibility Cloak like the bloody coward he is but it turns out that he'd cheated YET AGAIN by entering into an invisible shield around the Tonks' house that repelled me and my merry men…er, Death Eaters.

I was SO mad, I nearly peed in my pants.

I yelled until I thought my liver would burst and all the slimy purpley-blue chunks would make their way down my leg and into my foot where I could see them through my toenail. Potter was such a bleeping cheat! I had honestly thought that it'd be fair game. But obviously Potter was too immature to play by the rules.

What a self-important KID! If I was this kid's daddy dearest I would spank him till he was black and orange! (blue doesn't look good with black) Oh wait...no one can spank Potter cuz he DOESN'T HAVE A DAD! And precisely why is that? Me, of course! Ha ha ha! Wa haha! Mwah hah hah ha! MWAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HA! And what precisely did I do? I killed him! I killed him! I KILLED HIM! I KILLED POTTY'S DADDY DEAREST! I KILLED...I killed...I killed?

I killed someone?

I killed someone's daddy?

Not only someone's daddy, but their daddy DEAREST?

Oh...

BOO HOO! BOO HOO HOO!_ BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!_

Oh, I'm such a terrible person! I deserve to die! I killed someone! Not only that, but I killed someone's daddy! And not only not only that, but I killed someone's...well, see above. And repeat a few million times. BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!

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><p><em>We pause for a few minutes to allow Voldemort to have a good cry and contemplate his sins.<em>

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><p>Ahem. Well, anyways, regardless of anything I did in the past, POTTER STILL DOESN'T FOLLOW THE RULES. So he can't expect me to. Too bad, Potty. You weren't man enough to follow rules and play fair the first time, so you can't expect me to. You only get one chance, Potty. You took that chance and spent it unwisely. Tough luck. Don't expect me to go soft cuz you're just a kid.<p>

Game on, Potter.


End file.
